If you could do something and be
guaranteed not to fail what would it be? I've lived most of my life
thinking about what I had do to keep a roof over my head and food in
my stomach. My decisions where made based on the education that
reinforced what my parents taught me at home.
My parents were conflicted on this
topic. My mother always encouraged me to get a good education that
would guarantee me a good job. She did everything in her power to
make sure my siblings and I went to good “public” schools as she
tried to provide us with everything the American dream professed. She
was thrifty (most of the time) and often trying to improve her
marketable skill set by learning something new like stenography or
astrology.
My parents encouraged me to think about
my future at an early age. I wanted to be a singer – a musician
like my father – an entertainer. That was a no no! Mom and I would
sit at the kitchen table after dinner and she would show me the bills
she was not able to pay. “You will always be broke” mom would
tell me. “Your father doesn't make enough money. That's why I have
to work and we always have to struggle.” I was convinced it was
because my father was a musician. What a disappointment for me to
learn that I could never successfully fulfill my dream.
My father was an entrepreneur. He believed in being his own boss. He had his own tailor shop where he made men's suits and repaired clothing in addition to his occasional weekend music jobs. My father would often tell me I would grow up to be a nurse or a teacher because of the compassion for other people he thought he saw in me. He died before his tailoring business became successful. 
In my heart I believed my father was a successful musician. He was a super good saxophonist. He played alto and tenor sax and flute. I loved to go to gigs with him. The highlight of my year was hearing him play in the Carribean parade on Labor Day. It was the best band in the parade. My father sat at the pinnacle of the pyramid playing his sax as the float barely moved down the street, blocked by the people dancing and jumping up around it. I really wanted to be a musician! Although my mother was very much against it, my father did encourage me. He often said “if you want to see the world - be a musician!
Knowing that I was embarking on a future of predictable poverty, I made my choice. I left home at the age of 18, partially because I wanted to become a musician and partially because of some nightmarish things I was experiencing at home. That's another story.
After leaving home I chose to continue my college education. I became a teacher before I graduated and eventually ensconced myself in the corporate world mostly with technology based jobs. My mom was always proud of me no matter what my choices were. Every success I had confirmed that she would never have to worry about her daughter being able to take care of herself. Teaching school, becoming a drug rehabilitation counselor, a legal secretary, a corporate administrator and eventually the founder/owner of a computer business on Park Avenue in New York City – all jobs representing security and success made my mother proud!
I was financially successful but never really happy. My truly enjoyable times where participating in community theater and eventually landing supporting roles in off-Broadway musicals or bit parts on t.v. soap operas. But these were just side jobs. I never imagined that I could live from the work I loved. Fear of failure encompassed my very soul and for years I avoided the challenge of my dream. Better to be an underpaid employee of some exploitative company than a poor musician.
After 20+ years of doing extremely “challenging” jobs that did not satisfy my soul, I gave up the corporate life and became an actress/singer. My mom was visibly dismayed when I sold my computer business. She worried, and although she was proud of the successes I had as an entertainer, she would often ask me “when are you going to get a real job?” It didn't make her worry any less, and it didn't make her any less proud of me. She only wanted to see me financially successful.
In the beginning I was criticized by many and loved by few. I was constantly compared to my singing colleagues and told that they were better than me. Even on her death bed (30 years later) my mother stipulated that I was not to be allowed to sing at her funeral. My family made it clear that they would adhere to her wish, and they did.
I was 35 before I had my first
professional performance and 42 before I went on my first tour. I was
in my 50's when my mother finally accepted that I had chosen to
follow my dream. It took me many years to realize that
the pursuit of a dream isn’t something you need to justify to
others. My success is in the joyful life I've lived challenging
myself.
So I ask “what would you do if you could not fail?” and
recognize that there is no such thing as challenge or success without
the possibility of failure. If we eliminate the fear of failure, we
eliminate the pride and esteem that comes from success. I have failed
many times and I have had many successes. And most importantly, I am
proud of myself!!!
