STRANDED IN GERMANY - PART 1

Although I decided to retire from touring and traveling for work, I made the decision to return to Germany a last time this year to earn a little money and officially say goodbye to the friends I’m going to miss. My gut was telling me don’t go and I worked hard to ignore the anxiety and sadness I was already feeling simply thinking about leaving my husband and pets behind.

The feeling had been the same last year. I went to Germany only to return early to help care for my terminally ill mother. I could not stay long enough to work. I canceled all my gigs and flew back as soon as I got the call from my sister. “If you want to see mom while she can still recognize you come now.” I love my mom. I had to go regardless of the expense and loss of income. The trip to Germany and my subsequent return was a financially devastating lesson in listening to my big brain and I’d ignored the message.

This year I once again ignored the messages not to travel to Germany. I’ve been stressed about our financial situation, especially since we haven’t recovered from last years’ cancellations and the spontaneous move to Mexico. Maybe that’s why I opted for one more trip and the chance to earn enough income to put us back on the good foot.

The Coronavirus put an end to that plan. All of my gigs (except the first one) were canceled. Now I’m stressed trying to find a reasonably priced return flight; because of the travel ban I might have to stay here longer than I initially planned and I’m sitting on my butt without an income –AGAIN! The question I must ask myself is “why did I want this?”.

 

I’m so grateful that I have such good friends here in Germany. I’ve been very well taken care of. Even strangers have opened their doors to me. They have sheltered me in their homes, fed me and provided me with the essential computer technology I need to maintain my connection with my loved ones, family and friends concerned about my well being and safe return.

 

I’m having periods of joy here in Germany because I love being with my friends, and periods of depression because I want to go home. I want to visit everyone before I leave, but I’m so depressed. I feel guilty about saying no and unhappy about saying yes. If I do visit I have a great time which puts me in a bigger depression when I leave.

For the first time in a long time I really feel like I want to come back. I miss my friends and extended family. I miss the audiences and dedicated fans that come to my concerts and workshops year after year. I miss the comraderie, the creativity and emotional connection to the friends with whom I share a lifetime of experiences and wonderful memories. I have committed myself to returning to Germany again next year. This time because I truly have the desire and the need for the emotional nourishment only true friends can give. I need to see you, hug you, laugh with you and grieve with you if it’s necessary.

I want everything life has to offer. The love and companionship of my wonderful husband and our two magnificent dogs, and the everlasting connection to family and friends all over the world.

I ask myself again “why did I want this?” To recognize my blessings!